I am too low class and too low brow to enjoy these coffee shops and brunch places where they use iPads and shit instead of a register. You just go into the shop, see the big blank box of hipster doom on the counter and know that this is going to be an awkward experience where someone asks me if I want the expresso muchahco bannana slamma donkey bongo latte or if I would prefer they just shit in a cup and I will never understand what the fuck they want from me. Then I pay 20$ for the most mediocre of meals, like nothing excels and the menu doesn’t even use dollar signs because that’s not hip anymore - you just write it out with the number because currency is imaginary.
Then the real game starts when the waiter comes to your table and you don’t even know what to call them because they are absolute masters at the gender game so you structure your sentence around any pronouns whatsoever while they attempt to explain to you how you order food at this place that god forgot. “Oh just take this little beeper, slap it on the wall, say “BEGONE THOT” and then I’ll be right with you.” but their face tells you this is very serious, this is a very serious business because the iPad in their hand is telling you so. You see other customers staring at you from behind their overalls and glasses with rims thick enough to club a seal like this is normal.
So you just tell them you need more time while you figure out how the menu works because its some sort of fold out nightmare where the only way to find the breakfast menu is after you’ve made an origami bird out of every other menu, do whatever ridiculous quirk the business injected into the ordering process, get your food 20 minutes later because somehow this place is packed…I assume the bathrooms are just breeding grounds, eggs hatch, hipsters crawl out, every full moon a gender critical feminist stomps her 200lb ass out of there and is crowned the new manager.
And once you get the food, like I said, its just bland, It is the same shit as every other place of its type and the waitxer knows it but they stare into you with their beady eyes and ask how the food is, knowing they have power over you in their domain and that you must tell them its good. Then we try to pay and leave your card on the table for them to take it xer will come back like “Actually you have to bring the card to the Card Lord who will verify that you are of noble blood and then take your money.” because even that has to be complicated. The Card Lord has a fancy hat and asks if I want anything to go, like I didn’t just pay 20$ for food and I would like to eat more fucking food on the way FROM the place I just bought food at…
I’m sticking with my house coffee from now on.The muffins are always too moist too.
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